Category — Guest Authors

By: Jim Rohn

Nothing can bring more joy to life than beautifully fulfilling relationships. The depth of meaning, understanding and appreciation that these kinds of relationships bring is almost unfathomable. And, of course, as many people find out, nothing can bring so much pain as a broken relationship with someone dear to you.

Yes, relationships make the world go ’round. For better or for worse. But the exciting thing is that we can do much to increase our chances of having terrific relationships-relationships that are fulfilling and exciting, rich with meaning, joy and love. There are basics that govern most human relationships, and these basics are what I want to cover below. So here is my list of the eight essentials that I believe make up the basics of healthy relationships.

1. Love

Now, this all depends on your definition of love. Most people think that love is a feeling, but I would strongly debate that point. Actually, the concept of “like” is really about feelings. When you say you like someone, you are talking about how you feel. But when you say that you love someone, you are not necessarily talking about how you feel about them. Love is much deeper than a feeling. Love is a commitment we make to people to always treat that person right and honorably. Yes, for those we become especially close to, we will have feelings of love, but I believe it is time for us to re-examine what we mean by love. We must expand our definition of what love means by including the commitment aspect of love. For healthy relationships, we must love everyone. We may not like them based on how we feel about them, but we should love them based on our definition of love above, which, in turn, determines how we should act toward them-that is, treat them right and honorably. This is the basis of all healthy relationships.

2. Serving Heart

My good friend Zig Ziglar says frequently that “you can have everything you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want out of life.” The concept he is talking about is having a heart and life that is focused on serving other people. The Bible puts it this way: Consider others’ interests as more important than your own. This is also fundamental to healthy relationships.

3. Honest Communication

In any good relationship, you will find open and honest communication. Communication is so important because it is the vehicle that allows us to verbalize what is inside us and enables it to connect with another person. Isn’t communication amazing? One person is feeling one thing, and through communication, another person can find that out and feel it, too-amazing. And this is a vital goal in good relationships-to communicate, to tell each other what we are thinking and what we are feeling. It enables us to make a connection. Sometimes we are the one speaking, and other times we are listening. Either way, the central tenet is communication for the sake of building the relationship and making it stronger. And here’s what’s exciting: If we just communicate, we can get by. But if we communicate skillfully, we can work miracles!

4. Friendliness

Put simply, relationships just work better when we are friendly with others. Being friendly can cushion the bumpy ride we sometimes experience in our relationships. Cheerfulness goes a long way toward building lasting relationships. I mean, nobody wants to be around a grump, do they? The fact is that the friendlier you are, the more you are going to have people who want to pursue longer-lasting, mutually beneficial relationships with you. So cheer up, put on a smile, have kind words to say to others, treat people with a great deal of friendliness, and you will see your relationships improve.

5. Patience

People being people, we have an awful lot of time for practice in the area of patience. People are not perfect and will constantly fail us. And, conversely, we will fail other people. So while we try to have more patience for others, we need their patience as well. So often, I think relationships break down because people give up and lose patience. I am talking about all kinds of friendships, marriages, business relationships, etc. Recent research has shown that those marriages that go through major turmoil and then make it through are very strong after doing so. Patience wins out. Those who give up on relationships too early or because the other person isn’t perfect often forget that their next friend, their next spouse or business partner will not be perfect either! So, we would do well to cultivate this skill and learn to have more patience.

6. Loyalty

Loyalty is a commitment to another person. Sadly, loyalty is often a missing element in many relationships today. We have forgotten what it means to be loyal. Our consumer mentality has affected this to some degree. People are no longer loyal to a product. And, unfortunately, many companies are not loyal to their clients or patrons. Regrettably, this has spilled over into our relationships. It is one thing to switch brands of dishwashing detergent. It is another thing altogether to switch friends. Sometimes we just need to commit to being loyal and let the relationship move forward. We need a higher level of stick-to-it-iveness! This kind of loyalty will take our relationships to a much deeper level. What a powerful and secure feeling of knowing that you have a relationship with someone who is loyal to you and you to them-that neither of you is going anywhere even when things get tough. Wow-how powerful!

7. A Common Purpose

One of the basics of healthy relationships is to have a common purpose, and oftentimes this is a component that is initially overlooked, but for a long-term, long-lasting relationship it is vital. Think about how many friends you have met through the years while working on a common purpose. Maybe it was someone you met while participating in sports, while working on a political campaign, attending church, at your office, or anything that brought you together to work on a common purpose. You had that strong common bond of purpose that brought you together and held you together. Working together, building together, failing and succeeding together-all while pursuing a common purpose-that is what relationships are made of. Find people with whom you have common purposes and sow the seeds of great relationships, and then reap the long-lasting benefits.

8. Fun

All good relationships have some element of fun. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean loud, raucous fun, though that is appropriate for some relationships. But even in business relationships there should be some fun. It should be fun to do business with those who you are going to have a long-term business relationship with. Fun brings enjoyment to the relationship, and that is important. I think that oftentimes this key element can be easily forgotten or neglected in our family and spousal relationships. The fun things we did initially in a new relationship after a while can be taken for granted or simply fall by the wayside and we stop creating the fun and joy. So remember to consciously craft fun situations and moments, for these are the glue that hold our memories together and make our lives sweet.

There are so many key ingredients to making and maintaining great, long-lasting relationships. Each of the eight components we discussed brings unique dynamics and rewards to your relationships. Let’s begin to focus on improving our relationships in these areas and see what miracles occur!

[Ed. Note: Living Every Minute highly recommends Jim Rohn's program The Challenge to Succeed.]

Recently I was reminded of a very important lesson – a lesson you must learn if you’re not perfect. And my guess is since you’re human, you’re probably not perfect. That means you’re going to make mistakes from time to time in your life. If you want to keep your friends or business associates after you make those mistakes, you have to know a few important secrets about getting forgiveness.

Secret 1: Be Sincere
People know when you are sincere in your apologies and when you are just saying them to get out of trouble. Sometimes you may think you are being sincere, but the words you use to offer your apology are anything but words of sincerity.

Never start an apology with the words, “If I have. . .” or anything with a similar meaning. Think about it. The moment you start a sentence with the words, “If I have,” you are indicating to the person listening that you don’t own your mistake.

I have a friend who likes to offer her apology to an entire group. At least once every few months she realizes she has made a mistake, and when we are together as a group, she blurts out, “I want to start by saying, if I have offended any of you by my recent actions. . .” I always look at her in amazement because those words tell me two things:

1. She doesn’t know what she is apologizing for.
2. She doesn’t care enough to address the actual issue one-on-one.

Secret 2: Mistake vs. Choice
Not understanding what you are apologizing for is the second most critical thing you can do when you offer an apology. Don’t get me wrong, you probably know the “event” or “incident” you are apologizing for. In fact, you will use the words to describe that event in your apology sentence.

1. “I am sorry I took credit for your idea in the meeting last week.”
2. “I am sorry I got grass stains in your $200 pair of blue jeans you loaned me.”
3. “I am sorry I never called to cancel our date when something else came up.”

When you give an apology you always know what it is for, but what you probably do not know is the “what behind the what.” An apology is either something offered for a mistake made or for a choice made.

A mistake is something you had no knowledge of before hand.
The examples listed above would be mistakes if:

1. You and your co-worker had never discussed the idea together beforehand and inadvertently came up with the same presentation.
2. You were at the park walking the dog when someone came up behind you and pushed you down into some wet grass.
3. You were in an accident and had no access to the phone to contact the other person and cancel.

A choice is something you deliberately did despite what you already knew.
The examples listed above would be choices if:

1. You had talked about the idea with a coworker and then opted to present it as your own idea to get praise.
2. You put on the borrowed blue jeans to play a game of football with friends and ruined them.
3. Someone else invited you to do something more exciting, and you opted to do that without thinking to call you friend.

People can forgive a mistake, but it takes time to forgive a choice.

Secret 3: Time
My guess is the majority of times you have to apologize in life, you will not be apologizing because you made a mistake. You will be apologizing because you made a choice. Know the difference when you start your apology, and then realize that it will take time for people to trust your future choices again. The longer you have been making the bad choices, the longer it will take for people to trust the new you. But give them time.

[Ed. Note: What is the hardest apology you've ever given or received, and how did you handle it? Share your stories below. Want to learn more ways to build your character, purchase our Living Every Minute audio cd program.]

Enjoy the little things in life, for someday you will realize they were the big things.

When I read those sixteen words on a sign recently, I couldn’t help but pause for a moment to contemplate the truth they held. If you really think about it, society teaches us that the small stuff is not important. In fact, how many times have you heard the sentence, “Don’t sweat the small stuff”?

But when you really look back at your life, how many times is it the small stuff that made the biggest difference? In your relationships, it is often the smallest things that are remembered. That’s why I say sometimes it is very important to sweat the small stuff, so long as the small stuff you’re sweating over is really worth it. And there in lies the lesson I took away from the sign over the Christmas holiday.

My boyfriend and I were going to make treat baskets for our family members as gifts. This was our first Christmas together, and he is the first boyfriend I have dated whose family has truly welcomed me in with open arms. For that reason, he wanted us to bake the goodies at his parent’s house, where his mom could help.

I love my kitchen. I love that I know where every little thing I need is at. I love the sound my mixer makes, and I love the smell of my apartment after things start baking. So I was less than thrilled at the idea of having to pack everything up and drive it 20 miles across town to another house to bake.

My house wouldn’t have the smell of Christmas cookies this year. I would have to use someone else’s things. The list of excuses went on and on, and you can bet, my boyfriend heard every single one of them. When we got to his house, no one was even home. They were out Christmas shopping. So you can bet I really let him have it then. I was making myself miserable just thinking about it, and I was doing my best to make him miserable too.

Then my first batch of cookies went into the oven. They went flat. The second batch – flat. The third batch – flat! I was frustrated. And then his mom and dad came home and to the rescue his mom came. It appeared the baking soda I was using was expired, and that meant the cookies wouldn’t rise. Using self-rise flour solved that.

Soon we were laughing and having fun together as a family. The house had the delicious smell of homemade cookies and chocolate candy. We had so much fun that we got together again the next night to make more goodies. With music playing in the background, we crafted unique candy creations. We read recipe books together, and we bonded.

Guess what, the house still smelled like homemade baked goods. The cooking stone we used at his parent’s house way out baked my old airbake pans at my apartment. We came up with creations I never would have made using just the things in my pantry. And most importantly, we had fun together.
Then I remembered that sign I had read, “Enjoy the little things in life, for someday you will realize they were the big things.”

How silly I had been to fret over such frivolous things. I had been sweating the small stuff like my house smelling like cookies and using my own mixer. I had been selfish in the details I had been sweating over. And what I almost missed was how the small things like laughing over melted chocolate with family were way more important.

For it really is the little things in life that make the biggest difference. What about you? Do you spend your time sweating over the small details in life that really don’t matter, or do you take time to enjoy the small things in life that really do matter?

[Ed. Note: Post your favorite "small thing" memories below. Need more help on your relationships? Get it in our Living Every Minute audio cd program.]